I might have missed some developmental stages or they have gone awry, but that doesn't mean it's too late! This is an attempt at experimenting with developing myself to become an increasingly happy, healthy and functional person.
REMINDER: I am a person who is primarily guided and motivated by feelings and values, who works in a flexible, open ended manner, not someone who functions well with fixed goals and works in a step-by-step manner. The need to know and plan everything is an enemy. I can experiment and take many paths (healthy Ne).
IMPORTANT 2: It does not matter why or exactly how or which perspective something is understood through. If something works to fix it, that is the main point. Remember: is it effective? DO WHAT WORKS. This is the catalogue of healthy Si.
IMPORTANT: There are literally hundreds of possible ways things could turn out and hundred possible ways to do something. Just because I think nothing has worked or nothing will work, it is not correct. Life is unpredictable. Allow myself to be hopeful and trust in life as I make small, small steps.
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The Emotional Self Level |
Temperamentally, I am sensitive and emotionally intense. Anger, anxiety, worry, despair, excitement, joy. They seem to hit me like a truck and seem to take over my whole psyche: my perspective, my worldview, my thoughts, my views, my relation to things and people... All these things seem to change when emotions hit. There is often a high sense of despair and distress. Apart from just the awful distress and misery, these different emotions and mindstates lead to unhelpful or even destructive behaviors: avoiding important things, yelling and conflicts, not taking care of myself, unhealthy soothing, compulsive and obsessive behaviors, self-harm... The goal is to RELATE TO MY EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS AS MESSENGERS. Thus, for understanding and managing my emotions so they're not overwhelming and don't derail me and make me act like a jerk towards myself or others, some steps for emotion regulation and a perspective of my sides of self and my unhelpful thinking patterns is helpful. REMINDER: Even though my feelings make sense (e.g. loneliness because I lack social belonging) and I am allowed to and justified in feeling whatever it is I feel, it is not a reason to give up on everything and kill myself. REMINDER 2: . |
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The Social Level |
I struggle with social anxiety and I get nervous and anxious about getting nervous and being judged and criticized ahead of and in social situations. I can struggle with insecurity and low self-esteem at times. I often feel like an outsider in groups, and I find it hard to find people that I resonate with truly. Often I don't know what to say or talk about or what to do if I initate contact. I tend to end up disrespected by people, which I think might be because I'm 1) kinda hyper and weird and quirky and goofy, 2) socially nervous and it shows that I'm anxious, 3) terrible at setting boundaries. All in all, I feel a lack of social life and belonging in groups. |
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The Execution and Competence Level |
This is somehow the core level, I think. If I can't steer myself to do anything, how can I truly be autonomous and in control of my life; how can I develop? It is difficult for me to just act, even upon things I really want to. It's very hard for me to ignore my feelings and do something (or not do something) when I don't feel like it. With my tendency to stay open to possibilities and ideas, I have a hard time deciding or comitting to anything. And then it's difficult for me to understand the how to do something and I can try a hundred angles on that too. And then when looking at the totality of something, I get super overwhelmed. Besides, I find it hard to understand or follow the steps of practical tasks and I get confused and stressed easily. In the long run, this leads to a lot of stress and frustration in my daily life, and in the long run, an unfulfilling life where I've just "done whatever to float by", and a sense of failure and incompetence. As a coping mechanism, I tend to end up in a rigid overcontrol mind state where I feel like I must get everything under control and I end up overplanning then rage quitting and despairing because it all feels. GOAL: Experiment with ways of doing things, small methods and systems that work for me to build a little bank of methods that have worked for me in the past (Si). For: identifying my values and priorities and putting them above my current feeling (Fi), living for higher ideals than today's feeling (Fi), finding small ways of putting them into life (Ne), experimenting with approaches (Ne), getting into action when I don't feel like it (Fi-Te), doing what needs to be done (Te), managing to break things down into steps (Te), creating small guides for things that work for me (Si-Te), avoiding defaulting to hopelessness (Si loop), not trying to find the perfect system every time (Te), not overplanning (Te). |
Some general things that have worked sometimes or most of the time: Relating to myself in parts and speaking to myself in a soothing voice internally, mindfulness, snapping into action and "just doing it", reminding myself of exceptions to the rule, rubbing ice cubes on myself, counting things in the environment, reminding myself that it's not forever, just jumping into a social situation, reminding myself of times that social situations have gone well.