Um... What the hell? September has just flown by. It's already the 20th but I can barely remember how I've filled all this time? Time travel is strange.
So, yeah... There's this new guy, hehe. *giggles in 14 year old girl* Is this really all my life is about? The guys? Will every new blog post be about a new guy? Am I becoming Carrie Bradshaw? Damn. I think I'll write about the other stuff first so I can convince myself that I'm not just some pathetic crush girlie.
ADHD/antidepressant medication. Bitch. I tried those pills for a week. It's literally impossible to sleep on them and I get major bedtime anxiety, plus it gave me such a dry mouth that my gums started receding and I got an infection, so I quit. They do work, though. They still the steam of thoughts in my head so it's easier to sort things in my head, I worry less, and emotions don't fly off the wall any more. That's nice and good, but at the same time I don't like the thought of waking up one day and not being myself, I guess? I don't know how to explain it. Anyways, I quit after a week and I've been hesitant to get back on, but I started again four days ago because it would be really nice to avoid the winter depression. I feel so intensely worn out that I'm skipping my dose today. I just need some sleep, but I'll try again tomorrow. Hope the side effects wear off. Sigh.
As for employment, I really want to get back to work again. Everybody else is busy being back in regular scheduling, while I have nothing to spend my days on. I've cooperated with this lady about at least finding a fitting job, which has been nice. I've explored and tried out a couple of things. Some are completely out of the question, others are possible, but ugh... I'm so afraid of just getting back into a job that overwhelms, exhausts and makes me fucking miserable. I wish I had interests and ambitions, but there's nothing that resonates with me. Hopefully that will be better once I get my mental health sorted. But that takes time, and I gotta do some shit before that, too. Sigh. Maybe I should have studied something this year.
But okay, I'll get to the new guy. All I can say is blrughrhuarghffach. Fuck, I detest dating. Or, more like I detest what happens to my mind when dating. It's why I've avoided it for a couple of years now: I'm terrified. But I gotta go through it and work through it unless I want to be a miserable lonely old cunt.
It started out so damn nice. He said he'd seen me at the airport, but didn't dare to go ask for my number. Knowing that he had seen me already and that he liked what he saw, took some of the pressure off. That, and he's not exactly pretty per conventional standards, so I was comfortable going on a date with him. Chatting was comfortable, he was sexy in the dirty-ugly way and very touchy feely physical, and we ended up making out in the bars for hours and hours. For the second one we went to the islands and lay on the docks all day. We were supposed to swim, but we were too busy touching, cuddling and making out for seven hours. I was left with a sunburn and a severe case of blue balls (damn, forgot how painful that is). I didn't really have any intense crushy feelings that I usually get, but fooling around and sexual attraction was nice and chill.
Anyways, after all this teasing he said: "we're fucking the next time we meet". So when I went to his apartment, I was damn nervous. Sex has given me so much anxiety and is another thing I've avoided completely. We went through with it and I got extremely uncomfortable when we shut the door and he started going down on me. Instead of shutting down and going along, though, I told him right out! Damn, I'm so proud of that. And he responded so well to it, too. After a while, I was ready to go again and we had an amazing night.
But... the damage was done, kind of. My trust issues had been triggered, and it was like opening Pandora's Box. The thought that he might be untrustworthy had entered my mind, and it's impossible to just undo. Sigh. We've had sleepovers and more sex and more dates. He's quite attentive and kind and obviously very into me, but I can't shake the thought that it might all just be emotional manipulation. And sometimes I lose it completely in my mind and can't make my way back to a somewhat rational viewpoint. And now it's upped the stakes and made it all way too serious in my head. It's all a mumbo jumbo and I keep changing my mind all the time. I lose track of what I want and what I feel and what I think about him and what I should do or not do. I think about it constantly and I flip back and forth between wanting to distance myself and pull him closer. I'm exhausted, and I'm dreading the moment that this mindset affects my behavior and fucks it all up. I'm just so scared of giving of myself only to end up getting hurt. But, ya know, that's the risk I have to take.
My new therapist says I need to slow my roll (in all areas of life) and be patient. I've known the guy for two weeks, so it's honestly way too early to determine his trustworthiness. I'm trying my best to just see where it goes, and then I get terrified that I'm being manipulated like some idiot and all my defenses spike up again. Because, well, he is very social, direct, physical obviously, and very liberal with compliments. I think he could be a flirt who will ditch me easily once he finds a new boy toy. Plus, I'm no baby gay. I know better than to trust tall, alternative skinny guys with big dicks. Then again, that's not evidence of anything and he's been really nice and consistent thus far. I think that might contribute to my suspicions going off the rail, too. It's all too good to be true, or something...
So yeah, that's where it's at. I've gotta stick to it if I ever want to be free of my mental issues. No matter what happens, it's good content for therapy. So I'll just try to stay in this middle ground as best I can. Not mistrusting or trusting, not getting too close and not running away, not deeply in love and not emotionally detached. I'll bring myself back to earth when my thoughts go bonkers and I'll calm myself down when my emotions get too hot. It sucks that it takes so much work, but that's the best I can do right now. This is what I have to work with, and I'll try my best. And well, no matter how it turns out, there's already been joyous moments and learning experiences, and I'm actually dating and having sex again. That alone is reason to pop the champagne and celebrate. Compared to two years ago, I've come a long way. I'm proud of myself, and I'm grateful that life is giving me these opportunities.
Is This Mercury Retrograde?
Damnit. The last weeks have been heavy. Might be the whole damn month, actually, save for a couple of weekends. It feels like winter depression has come early, but it's just an end-of-summer depression I guess.
I literally stayed inside on the sofa all day for about ten days. My diet has consisted of cigarettes, coffee and energy drinks. I've worn the same clothes for too long and showered too little. It hasn't been great. I've been hyperfocused on astrology (there's something to it but also a lot of bullshit – no way I'm a capricorn rising), then binge watched The Boyfriend on Netflix in an evning (things didn't work out with my new crush and I got sentimental), then hyperfocused on a porn actor from vintage 80s porn but in a crush kinda way (realized eventually that he kinda looks like my real life crush, yeah I'm weird don't overthink it). So yeah, kinda depressing.
I know why it's happened. I'm looking to the future and I'm terrified because I can only see hopelessness at the moment. People keep asking what I'm doing for fall, and I have no answer. Everyone is starting school or getting a new job or moving around, and I'm just here unemployed, done with school, directionless and lost. I have no fucking clue what to do, and it's giving me major anxiety.
Like, nothing appeals to me. I can only see the limitations and what could go wrong with anything. And yeah, I've been focused on the negative in other areas too, like my free time and my relationships and yeah. It's a shitty kinda time. And this therapy thing that I've been trying to get into since January to help with things like this? Well I think I'm being misunderstood and misplaced, so yeah. Great all around.
And I'm anxious about the mornings and nights turning colder. I always get depressed in winters, and having nothing to spend my days on is a recipe for disaster. I don't know what to do, man. What's worse? Doing nothing, or keep doing things that leave me miserable and unfulfilled because I can't figure out a better option? Sigh. I don't know. Getting a routine and some kind of activity into my day would be good, but it's damn hard when I just don't feel like I care about anything.
My doctor prescribed me antidepressants after a little chat on the phone. I googled the side effects and apparently people react in very different ways. For some it works wonders, but many report intense anger outbursts, suicidality, depersonalization, something bordering on psychosis and seizures. I'm very skeptical, so I've put off trying them until I've done some important events and I at least feel a little more stable. We'll see.
Things with my crush didn't work out, so that's also a factor. I was so infatuated, I was so certain that it was right, so it really sucked when he stopped talking to me. Yeah, it was mostly all in my head, but would have been a damn romantic story. Things seemed fine and cute, but then he couldn't meet me and I thought the ball was in his park because I didn't wanna beg. He didn't throw it back and we didn't talk for two weeks.
As someone who hates leaving things unresolved, I wrote to him again this weekend. For some reason, his tune has changed. Like he seems almost arrogant or sarcastic and the replies were very late. So were mine, though, because I get damn insecure about how to reply when I get these vibes. And now I'm left on read and wondering what changed. It sucks. I wanna talk it out, but that's not how this works. I'm thinking maybe he misinterpreted my stupid ass humor and thinks I'm some cunt. It happens some times. My friends says I should just assume that he's severely autistic and gets all the social cues wrong. I kinda like that perspective better.
Being left on read makes me feel like such a dumbass. I hate being the one left with feelings and rejected, possibly not having taken the hint before it's too late. But fuck that. I'm allowed to feel however I feel, and I kinda think it's badass that I put myself out there. Yes, this didn't end well, but at least I'm back to dating again. Fuck that shame and depression.
Hah! I guess I just answered my previous question: yes, it's better to do something than nothing, even if that something makes you kinda miserable and unfulfilled. Better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all, or however that saying goes. Time to go try some possibly wrong things then. It will be fun and scary. I'd totally get a tattoo now if it wasn't for the fact that I'm still paying down for my wild summer spending.
Boy, So Sweet
Boy, I wish I could be more like you. You're so sweet and nice. Though you say it's just your shyness and anxiety, you have this rare type of assured calmness where you let the world happen around you while you're content to just watch and flow along.
Serious and reserved, but still with a charming wink in your eye. Gosh, those eyes. And your smile. It fills up your face, but not in the goofy way that mine does. It's more subtle, kinda with a cheeky knowingness. I'm so into your vibe and energy, I want to just stay in it for a while.
I wish I was more like you, but I'm not. I'm crude, vulgar. I speak too much. I say the stupidest shit. I'm too big mouthed. I joke too much. I'm too goofy. I yap a lot of bullshit. I say a lot of things I don't even mean. I can seem like a cunt, maybe I am one at times. I get misunderstood, this mouth of mine gets me into trouble sometimes. I smile too big.
My gosh, how I wish I could stay in your shine forever and ever. But I don't think you're into mine like that. I wish I didn't babble so much when I get nervous. I've already showed you too much and it might not be your thing. I wish I could show you the serious and sensitive and romantic person who lives in here too. I wish I didn't get so nervous that I can't flirt properly or say what I really feel. Might not have done a damn difference, lol.
Our second date was nice. I told you I like your vibe. But maybe we're just not a match. And maybe I made you all up in my mind? And it's probably not realistic. And maybe you realized that? Besides... me in long distance situation? Hah, fucking imagine. Shit would hit the fan real quick. Still, if you're ready to go, I'll jump back in anytime.
With or without you, Mercury is in retrogade. Shit is changing up. I can feel it. I had a dream about watching a red sun dying with someone who felt like a very good friend. He was a projection of me, apparently. Things will change up. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time, but I'll be fine. I've got me.
Post-Weekend Comedown
I've just returned from an amazing weekend trip abroad with good friends. As per usual, I've seen none of the sights but had a fabulous time. Days were spent chilling in cute spots, the nights in hard techno clubs and hip bars which stayed open too far in the morning. My bank account is empty, but my cup is filleth. Physically I'm back home, but mentally I'm still there. I'm not ready to let go yet.
We've hung out with the coolest weirdos you could come across. Alternative chicks with rough, homecut bangs and fabulous nails, and partyboys with a give-no-fucks attitude like they don't make them at home. Every night has been a blast. One of the girls read my birth chart and told me I should date water signs. I trust her judgement. Where my Aquarius boys at?
I don't know what it is, but going abroad always changes my perspective on the life I'm living and returning home just becomes depressing. It's something about how life could be different but it's not. The city we went to is similar enough that they've got the same chewing gums in the same kiosks as home, but there's something about the culture that just hits different. I felt it in the change of pace when I planted my feet on home ground.
Over there, there's more expression, freedom. People are just being instead of acting. And the people dress fucking cool. Here, people are so damn same old same old. Me and my friends had a deep talk about it on the rooftop the evening before we left. My country has this weird phenomenon of pretending that we're so accepting and open, but at the same time we punish individuality and standing out. Being over there afforded me a sense of freedom which allowed me to let go of some of the shit in my head and made me feel more at home than home. I don't exactly know what's missing from my life, but I think I found a piece of it over there.
At the gay bar at six in the morning, I saw one of the cutest guys I've seen in my life. With a little push from my friends, I actually went up to him and got his number. In my head, he's way out of my league so I'm kinda mindfucked by the whole thing. My friends say I just need a shift in my self image.
We went on a little date the following day and it was cute. Turns out, he works on a ship going back and forth between his country and mine so we've already got another date planned for tomorrow. Naturally, I've already made up our love story in my head and I'm buzzing with feelgood chemicals.
However it turns out, I'm glad that I'm at a place in my life where I'm ready to be a little more vulnerable and take chances like that again. And I'm fucking grateful for the bad ass people that I have in my life for backing me.
So yeah, it's been a blast. Can I take anything from this vacation home, though? The lessons, the feelings, the connections, the guy? I don't know, and I'm not ready to unpack my bag and find out just yet. I just need my shirt to smell like the sweat and smoke and freedom for a little while longer.
Nothing To Do, Can't Do Nothing
I've spent a week in my hometown and it ends the samw as it always does: fricking insanity. I have a complicated relationship with this place, so I just end up staying at home with my mom. Love her as I might, she can be depressing company for extended periods.
Whenever I'm here, I don't know what to do with myself. I get so damn bored that I just hunker down in front of the computer all day, trying to work on various projects without making any progress. Due to my dopamine-deprived brain, desperate for stimulation, I end up consuming insane amounts of caffeine, cigarettes and porn. All three of which I've cut back on or quit entirely.
Boredom paralyzes me and I can't get shit done. Basics like eating, sleeping, maintaining hygiene and going outside feel too difficult. I get extremely frustrated with the cycle of wanting to do something but having nothing to do, while failing to accomplish what I want to do. I become a frustrated, impatient and irritable bitch. Eventually I start popping benzos like a motherfucker just to shut it all out.
Ugh. I don't know why I'm typing all this out. I guess I'm looking for some kind of solution, but I've thought myself into trenches and I know the solution is not to think my way out.
I guess the point is that it goes back to a bigger problem in my life. I don't know what to do with myself when left to my own devices. I'm so dependent on other people to activize me, and I usually fall into a hole the moment I don't have that. Just "doing stuff" feels so boring and unmotivating. And the things I want to do – my little projects? Well, I have such difficulty doing things and I always get bored before I finish stuff. I just end up spinning my wheels.
Fuck. It sucks not knowing what I want. It sucks not being able to enjoy simple activities. It sucks not being able to do things I want to do. I hate having ADHD. I don't know what to do with this problem. I've always been like this, and I feel hopeless about ever figuring it out.
Oh well. I'm going back home tomorrow before I'm off to a weekend abroad with friends in a couple of days. Should be fun. Also, I cut my hair and it turned out damn cute. At least I've got that going for me.
Why Not Alaska?
Damn, what a cutie. I know I'm a city boy at heart, but I'd move to Alaska in a heartbeat if Charlie Jagow built us a cabin where we could live happily ever after. What can I say? I've always had a thing for country boys.
Old Friends, New Me
I'm visiting my old city for a little while. I've done the mandatory meeting up with old friends, and I'm left with a lot of mixed feelings and questions about my oldest friendships. That's been the rule, not the exception, during my latest visits.
One of my girls who I've been close friends with for about ten years has progressively become more and more of a cunt. Now that she's realized her dream of suburban motherhood in a sexless marriage, she's gone full blown Karen. Seriously, I'm sure she will debut the inverted bob any day now.
I already feel a little lump in my stomach as I go there, but I show up with my best smile and try to make interesting conversation. No surprise: she ignores half of what I have to say, talks over me, and makes mocking sarcastic remarks about my stories and life choices. I promise, she used to be a likable person, but I guess being a resentful, fat cunt is a fulfilling life choice for some people. I left just in time before she could go off on another one of her transphobic tirades.
I've done a lot of growing over the past few years. Whereas I previously used to think I was always the problem when something was off in my relationships, I'm understanding more and more that I've surrounded myself with the wrong people. At best, we're just different types. At worst, they're assholes who treat me like some joke. I'm trying to ask myself if I like people instead of just being concerned whether they like me. Oftentimes, the answer is no.
Argh. I know what needs to be done, but it's easier said than done. I'm hanging on out of sentimentality and a sense of obligation, and letting go is painful and scary. I've already cut quite a few people out. It's a pattern: as my self worth grows, I realize they've never been good for me and I cut them out of my life. I've lost a lot of important people in my life and I don't treat it lightly. The sense of loss and loneliness is terrifying sometimes.
It's part of growing as a person, I suppose. If I want a healthy relationship with myself, if I want to make space for good relationships in my life, I can't keep holding on to people who drag me down. But when can I stop cutting people out? How many people will I have to lose? I hate this shit. Oh, well. At least I've got some good content for my therapist.
Can I Film?
No, dumbass. You may not film us having sex. I know I've got a good bod, but I'm not interested in being used as an advertisement when you try to acquire your next hookup, thank you very much.
It blows my mind how commonplace it's become to just casually film sex videos and pop them up on the internet. I guess that's what happens when each and every moron has a high quality camera on hand at all times. And the guys messaging me their sex videos? What the fuck. Why in the world would seeing you fuck or get fucked by someone else, make me want to fuck you? Massive turn off (or is that the Leo in me showing?). Just another sign that it's time to get off Grindr, I think.
Glitter Everywhere
Glitter keeps turning up in the strangest places after Pride. I swear, that shit gets everywhere.
