Patterns

Common perceptions / perspectives

SELF-INSECURITY: Like any other person, I have insecurities, and in social situations I get worried that people focus on them or judge them or look down upon me for them. I might feel shame or embarrasment if focus is brought to them, I might try to hide or avoid them in order to avoid feeling bad about myself, or that people should notice them. Sensitive to feeling like I might be judged negatively by others; fear of getting negative comments about me.

Prominent insecurities are:

1. appearance: I often focus on my bad aspects and feel that I look ugly, worry and feel that I dress like shit or stupidly
2. social awkwardness being anxious, insecure, nervous, weird, different, not fitting in, being dumb, making mistakes which I could get mocked for, being "less than"; fear of saying something wrong, of not being interesting to others, of not having anything to say, of not getting along; feeling like others just do the social stuff better and I can't get along and I'm not vibiing
3. loneliness: being unwanted, being friendless, being lonely, not having a community, not having cool friends
4. failure: being a loser, not having achieved things, not having stories to tell, failing at life, being unhappy

DISRESPECT/DISREGARD: A shitload of experiences of not being respected, being taken for granted, being treated worthlessly or like me and my feelings don't matter. It feels like such a pattern that people don't respect me, that I've come to expect it. And why? Well, I feel like it must be something about how I am. Something about me communicates "easy target" or like... I'm easy to criticize or disrespect or degrade for some reason.

NEGATIVE FILTER: An "everything always goes wrong" attitude, I focus on what's lacking in life, what doesn't work out and what is missing, the problems and the lack. I feel liek I'm stuck in patterns which prevent me from happiness. When small things go wrong, it becomes just another shit on a pile of shit. Tendency to be frustrated at "life" because it's not working. Feeling hopeless and stuck.

Coping mechanisms

Behaviors which I do to avoid these things.

• Clowning or being sardonic, when I get socially anxious, to kind of seem disarming or avoid nervous energy, I suppose?
• Adjusting myself, not speaking up about how I really feel, in order to avoid retaliation or attacks from others.