The social anxiety problem

So... IDK... It's hard for me to explain what makes social situations difficult and painful. It's something about being weird. It's something about being different. It's something about being socially irreverent. My therapist is digging for toxic shame, but I don't really recognize that deep self-loathing or self-hating talk within myself. I do like myself, but I'm also used to a lot of rejection and disrespect and devaluation and mockery in social situations. And I do have a lot of insecurities. I'm afraid of being "attacked" or criticized for things, and I feel that I often am attacked. It's like people look down upon me, or I'm an easy target, so I get all these little jabs and stabs from people. It's all context based, tho, like not something I carry around deep within myself. Soo I think it would be beneficial to note these micro situations where social pain is activated a little better so we can better define the real problem.

I think it could be beneficial to note, in social situations in which I feel anxious, embarrased, awwkard or someone reacts to something I say or do, to backtrack the sequence of events:

1. What did the other person say or do that made me react emotionally? (Criticism, comment, mockery, laughter, body language, devaluing language?)
2. What is my emotional reaction? (Shameful, embarrased, hurt, insecure, angry?)
3. What is my perception or interpretation of what the person said or did?
4. What happened or what did I say or do that prompted the person to say or do what they did? (Say something silly, inappropriate? Misunderstand? Too high/low energy?)

SITUATIONS

• 09.20: TS and AF talk about living in our apartment as their "trash era", TS says to me "but for you that's just your life, isn't it?" I feel sad and hurt, like a punch in the upper stomach, and anxious(?), but it passes. Later in the evening she says "was your relationship with JF even a relationship? I never even saw you two as a couple." I feel very hurt, almost like crying, then embarassed and I start blushing and averting gaze. I interpret it as she is purposefully hurting me, because she knows I was really in love, and trying to degrade me and be mean. I say "because we weren't together for that long?" and I don't remember the rest.
  • Later, I feel anger and disgust towards her. I know she said the second thing to kind of hurt me. But what could have prompted it? Could it be a factor that she has just broken up and is sad about her love life herself? Did I say something thoughtless myself? Was it the "sitting around being fat" comment about gay bears during dinner? Did I yap too much and she wanted to put me in my place? Generally, I feel like the tone with her is devaluing and mokcing. She comments negatively about my appearance and clothing, about my life, and says hurtful things about things that have meant a lot to me. I am anxious around her and get nervous for an attack; I feel like I can't be in my calm self. Do I really feel okay about someone commenting on things that are painful and sad for me?
• 09.19: I sit in a gold thong and bronzer in a public event; I wonder if people are judging the way I'm sitting, if it shows that I'm not strong and confident in my body (or something).
• 09.19: Boy in class says how I look like the 60 year old author. I feel hurt, sad, insecure, degraded, interpret it as I'm ugly and look like these tired old men; I then wonder if he wanted to be mean. What triggered him was propably just that he thought I have some similarities.
• 09.18: AF laughs at the comedy show and comments on something he finds very funny. I feel a bit tired and disconnected already. I don't find it very funny. I interpret it as "I don't have the same humor as others, I don't fit in with others." I feel a little nervous, worried about not fitting in, of not vibing with others.
• 09.16: TS takes out a jacket and saying it could be mine, laughs. I interpret it as "I dress badly; I dress like a junkie" which she has previously said and commented about and which (how I dress and look) is a vulnerability for me and I feel hurt, embarassed, bad about myself, shameful.